Life is such an adjustment with Parker gone. Although I feel like I have made tremendous progress with lots of help, I still struggle daily. Your thoughts are never the same. I am constantly thinking “he should be here” or “Parker would love that” or “I can’t do that anymore without him”. We used to be so social. Go out to parties, see friends, have fun. It’s so unexplainably impossible to continue life as it was. There is an unconscious guilt that is the fault of ones mind. A mind that is so powerful with thoughts and images and memories. You can’t control it. You can only learn to manage it. Managing is exhausting. It’s tedious and relentless. There is not one minute of the day that goes by that I am free from it.
The holidays are particularly hard. It’s when everyone is excited for time off of work to celebrate, have fun, go to parties. The Fourth of July was always one of our favorites. It was a time filled with family and friends. Fishing, beach and fireworks. Now it’s planning around what’s most comfortable for me. Where we go, who is there, how many people. I hate it. I hate that he is not here.
I am forever grateful that I always took so many pictures along the way. I am blessed with memories of how we used to be. I miss you more than I could ever say. I will love you forever, Bud.
